Okay, so 6 months is a little early to be calling her an alcoholic. But I've been trying to research this topic, and I am finding a lot of conflicting information. I've always heard that alcoholism is hereditary, but as I read through articles, it seems like no one really knows. It has been weighing on my mind a lot lately. C's dad is an alcoholic. He doesn't like to admit it, and refuses to get help [says he doesn't need help, he can do it on his own...]. His biological mother walked out on him and his brother when he was 6 months old and she never looked back. Her addiction [as far as I know, it was not just alcohol she was dependent on] was far more powerful and important than her family, and she chose her own path. X struggles with this, as he has never met his mom. He doesn't outright say that his problem may have come from his mothers addictions, but I can't help but think it plays a major role. Perhaps he is using it as an excuse? Anyhow, I'm terrified. It makes me sick to think that C may have some addiction issues when she is older. I know, I shouldn't think that far ahead. I should take one day at a time and just be a good model for her. I enjoy the occasional beer, glass of wine, or a good margarita. The plan is to never drink in front of C once she is of age to remember. I thought that was a good plan. Just don't expose her to alcohol.
The more I think about it, the less that idea sounds appropriate. If I prohibit alcohol in my home, or make it sound like "forbidden fruit", will that make her want to experience it even more? Perhaps I should allow it, in moderation, in my home and just show and teach her an appropriate use of alcohol.
Growing up, my parents drank. I remember vividly. My dad would be doing yard work and crack open a nice cold beer. He even let me try it when I was about 4yo. It was disgusting. I hated it. The taste, the smell, everything. Until I went to college. Then I tolerated it...In moderation of course. ;] I also remember my mom drinking. They both drank around us, in moderation. When I turned 18, my mom didn't mind if I drank as long as #1] I was at home or in the home of a trusted adult. #2] she knew what I was doing, who I was with, and where I was. #3] NO DRIVING. If I needed a ride, I would call her. Even when I was 2hours away in college and it was 3am. I could still call her. No big deal. Not to say, I always stopped myself when I was at my limit, but I never ever drove, and I didn't hide it from her. So I never saw it as "the cool thing to do" nor something that was forbidden.
X however, grew up in a home where neither parent drank [his dad remarried when he was about a year old, and SHE is his mother...] . Nor smoked. Nor cussed. Pretty straightedge. However, him and his siblings were pretty wild. Was this a coincidence?
How can I be sure that my daughter will not grow up to possess those same wonderful qualities as her father? How can I be a good role model to her? Is she doomed to be an alcoholic??
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I don't think C is going to be an alcoholic just because its in her genes. I KNOW that they say that being an alcoholic is a disease, its inherited, but most importantly its a CYCLE. This is a cycle that you can break.
ReplyDeleteBe a good role model to C. I don't agree with banning it in your house altogether (strange I had this conversation with a friend the other day). Drink in moderation and show her what alcohol is, explain to her how it affects the body and the mind.
My parents did drink in front of my sister and I growing up. It was never on a regular basis but when they'd hang out with friends liquor would be there and they'd enjoy some. They NEVER got drunk in front of us but we knew what they were doing. DH's family are big drinkers. I'm talking huge. They get drunk in front of their kids, drive while drunk then try preaching to the kids that its wrong... yeah not gonna work.
YOU are a single parent. YOU get to make all the decisions regarding C. SHOW her how you can drink in reasonable amounts and be sane. DON'T get drunk. Maybe when she is older and you guys are out walking around doing some shopping you can point out a complete drunk and show her what she NEVER wants to be.
Thanks for the reply :] My parents were the same way. They drank on some weekends with friends. It was never to the point where they couldn't properly care for us though..
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree. I think that it's possible for me to break that cycle if I handle the situation correctly. I just want to be sure I am doing it the right way, you know? That is the best thing about being a single parent, I can make decisions about how I raise my child without having to discuss with someone else first!
Oh, Mama! I've had these thoughts since the Monkey was born. His Dad is a recovering addict/alcoholic and it pains me to see the road map of issues that has plagued his entire family. But, while I think it's genetic to a point I think we teach our kids how to deal with those situations and to carry responsibility as a guide. My Dad drank, my Mom didn't. I'm not a person who needs to drink, but do on occasion because my parents always showed me that being responsible for your actions and the end result is what's important. To this day, I've never tried any drugs for recreational reasons.
ReplyDeleteI hope that at some point the Bio will help our son learn that his issues are not the Monkey's and that he can make his own path.
Sorry that was a looonnngg comment! Don't worry, it will all work out and you will show C that her life path is up to her and it's not dictated by the mistakes of her Dad and his family. Hugs Mama!
Deanna, thanks for the comment! I happen to enjoy long comments :P
ReplyDeleteI guess I am just afraid that despite my attempts to show her how to be responsible, she will follow in her dad's footsteps. I need to stop thinking about it so negatively and use this as a teaching opportunity.. It's just so frustrating... lol..
I hope that the Bio realizes that he needs to teach the Monkey correct path to take.. I hate that you are dealing with this too in a way, but it is also good to know I am not alone..
If you truly believe that X is an alcoholic, then you should try an al anon meeting. They can be very insightful. My sister is an alcoholic. My parents drank in front of us..among other things. My parents are also divorced, since the day I was born. I like to drink, and I do in moderation (of course I did a lot when I was younger but I wasn't that wild). I don't know why my sister chose this path. Alcoholism does run in my father's side of the family, but my dad does not drink anymore. He just gave it up cold turkey one day because he felt unhealthy. My mom raised us single and I respected her, but I was also scared of her. I told myself I would never drink. So, okay, saying all of this to you means to me that I don't think there is anything one or two things that you can do for C that will prevent her from doing something but I feel like you need to be open with her and not hide it. I think that overprotecting her like that, will make her want to do it more...but I am unsure. By being a single momma, you are put into a hard position...but I like your outlook and I'm happy to read your blog. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI think its not necessarily alcoholism that is inherited, its the dependency on A addiction! Some people are stonger then others, and its how you deal with problems that make the difference. X might be an alcoholic but C might see his life and think I don't ever want apart of that life. Her addiction might end up being exercise.
ReplyDeleteMy mother swears my dad was an alcoholic but when they got married he vowed to never drink again. When my mom was pregnant with me, he cut out his cigar, and pipe smoking. Although I have only seen a glass of wine for a special occasion at a extremely fancy restaurant, I drink! It is hard sometimes to stop, but I do stop.
So raise your daughter to know that there is alcoholism in her family, and that it is okay to drink one or two drinks here and there is fine. Teach her good habits to deal with her emotions and problems. Instead of opening up an ice cold beer.